A Lesson We Will Not Forget

The clock said 9:30am.

“I suppose I should actually get out of bed,” I thought.

This summer brought a magical gift.  A gift I had only dreamed of.  A gift I thought would never be bestowed on me….the gift of children that sleep in.  Yep! It was 9:30am and both my girls were still asleep.  Feeling a bit guilty for staying in bed that long and wasting so much of the morning (seriously I get to sleep in but now I have to feel guilty for sleeping in. this whole motherhood thing is exhausting)  I rolled out of bed.

“Ahhhh coffee,” I smiled as I walked into the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker.

The first cup always seems to be the best.  As I went to get the creamier out of the refrigerator I paused and remembered that my dad (he lives with us) was at Habitat for Humanity working on a house all day (his hobby…isnt that cool).  That meant he put Kona out in the backyard (Kona is my sisters dog.  She comes to stay with us for a week each summer when my sister is on vacation). Lazily, I peeked out of the kitchen curtain to see if she was on the backyard porch.

“Huh?! No Kona. Maybe she’s still downstairs,” I thought “but I could have sworn I heard my dad leave this morning.  He wouldn’t leave her downstairs by herself.”

Opening the basement door I called, “KOOONNNNAAA come here girl!”

Nothing.

I walked down the basement stairs to double check that she really  was not there.  At the bottom of the stairs I look and look…no Kona.

“Maybe she’s out in the yard and just wasn’t laying on the porch,” I think trying to figure out where the heck she could be.

Back upstairs I go right the kitchen sliding glass door.  I open it and bend to look out.  No sign of Kona.

“KOOONNNAAAA! ”

Nothing.

Scanning the yard for her my eyes stop….the gate…it’s open.  Panic floods me.  Just last night my neighbor and I (during our weekly True Blood viewing session) were talking about how she had lost one of her dogs when it jumped her brothers fence while he watched her dog while she was on vacation. My heart sank.

Oh My GAWWDDDDD Kona is not in the yard!!!

I ran upstairs waking the girls.

“Kona is missing!  Wake up!  We have to go find her!  Go potty and come down stairs we have to start looking for her!” I say delivering orders as I run back downstairs.

I turn to see Olivia walking down the stairs, still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and sporting her usual bed head.

Olivia, “Go open the garage door and look around out front.  See if you see Kona.”  Inside I secretly hope that she will open the garage door and find Kona sitting there just waiting for us to see her.

Rushing back in the house, “Mom!  She’s not there!  I don’t see her anywhere!”

Fighting back the tears and the emotion that is going to make me completely lose thoughts start to flood me…

My sister had trusted me to watch her dog.  How is my sister ever going to trust me to watch her baby if I can’t keep her dog safe?  My sister had trusted me.  Kona was my responsibility. Oh my gawd Kona is missing.  Kona is gone!

I call my neighbor.

“Kona is missing.  She is not in the yard!”  I say though heaving breaths.

“Ok.  I’ll text friends in the neighborhood.  We are awake and well get out there too to look for her,” she offers without hesitating.

“GIRLS!!  Time to go! Get in the car!” I shout.

In the car I finally lose it.  Thoughts continue to fill my head.

Whispering at me, making it all real…”She’s lost.  I lost my sisters dog.  We are never going to find her.  How will I face my sister. Oh my gawd how will I live with myself.”

Closing the door of the car I turn to Olivia and Francine trying to take deep breaths between the blubbering messy sobbing tears.  I manage to get out my words, “Roll down your window.  I am going to drive very very slow.  You need to shout as loud as you can for Kona and you need to look everywhere on your side of the car.  Don’t miss anything, in front of the house, the side of the house, everywhere on your side.”

“Ok mommy,” they say softly with big, wide eyes focused on me.

Breathing in and out I try to regain control of my emotions as we begin our search.

“KONNNAAAA…KOONNNNAAAA…KONNNNNAAAAA!!!!”

First street done. Nothing.  “We are never going to find her.  This is going to be impossible.  She’s gone.  Who knows how long she’s been out of the yard.  It could have been hours,”  negativity start to invade my thoughts again.

We start down the next block.

“KKKOONNNNAAAAA… KONNNAAAAAAA!!!!!”

Suddenly a tall slender gray-haired man appears in the street waving his arm over his head back and forth.

“Is he waving at me?…  He’s waving at me!… He’s waving at me!!!!!”

I roll down the passenger window and say to him, “We are looking for our dog Kona.  She is lost.”

“I have Kona,” he smiles, “She’s in my backyard,” he smiles holding his coffee cup.

Getting out of the car I am suddenly giddy. I fight back happy tears as I realize have no shoes on, I am in my pajama t-shirt and comfy shorts and oh my…my hair.

“I saw her this morning,” he explained pausing to noticing I have no shoes on,” and I didn’t recognize her so I called her over.  She came right to me.  She’s just been hanging out in the back yard.  She’s had a couple of treats.”

“Thank you! Thank you sooooo much!!!! I can’t thank you enough,” I blubber in shock that we found her..he found her.

“Thank you again. Thank you,”  I repeat dying to give him a hug and sob my thanks into his shoulder (don’t worry I resisted that urge.I didn’t totally want to freak out the guy).

Over come by happiness I smile as I take Kona to the car and put her in.  I turn to him and say, “Are you a drinking man?”

“Aren’t we all!” he smiles.

“What’s your drink of choice?”

“Coors Light”

Hundreds of deep breaths later and all of us resting at home, I sit down next to my girls on the couch.

“Olivia turn the TV off Mommy wants to talk to you. Come sit by me.”

“Ok Mommy!”

“Girls Look at mommy.  What that man did for us was incredibly kind.  He stopped and took Kona in so that he could help someone.  He did that to be nice for someone else.  You know when mommy asks you to be polite to other people, when I tell you how important it is to pay attention to others and be thoughtful to others?”

“Yes mommy.”

“Mommy feels very soooo very much that when you are a good person, when you are kind to others good things happen to you and others will do nice things for you when you need them.  Do you understand?”

“We do mommy,” they say in unison with a nod that tells me they really do.

That night, with a case of Coors Light on a kitchen chair next to me, I sat and wrote a thank you card to the man as a tears ran down my cheeks.  I thanked the man for not only giving us our Kona back but for showing my daughters that there are really truly good people out there, good people who will help complete strangers because it is the kind, thoughtful and nice thing to do and that I still could not thank him enough.

Photo Jun 28, 2 34 44 PM
back home safe and sound

Go Multiply

We had gotten all the tests done. All our paper work was in order and complete. The tile floor looked like all other gray flaked linoleum floors of all the other doctors offices we had been in.

“I wonder what she is going to tell us?”

I moved close to him. My arm rested snugly on his thigh. He softly held my hand channeling support and love. He didn’t know what the doctor would say either.

Getting pregnant was not our problem. Keeping the pregnancies was. Four years of hopeful positive pregnancy tests intertwined with heart wrenching miscarriages had taken away all the happily ever after of this fairytale. The reality of pregnancy was depressingly painful.

“I gave her all the papers, right? She has copies of all the tests. I made sure our doctors office sent it all to them.” I said to him.

My eyes told him he had to say yes, even if he wasn’t really sure.


“Yes. I’m sure she is just looking through them and then she will have an answer for us.” He replied.

The doctor walked into the room. Our attention was hers.


“You need to go multiple,” the doctor said.

Those were her words.


“I can not say you will not have another miscarriage, but there is nothing keeping you to from having kids.”

“Go multiply?” I respond with a questioned smile.

“That’s right,” the doctor said with a smile.

The muted brown carpet showed us the way out of the office. His hand surrounded mine as we walked to our car.

“She said everything was OK with us.” I said with another need reassurance look.

“Yes! Everything is OK with us.”

“She said it could happen again.” I said desperately needing to know what he thought.
“I do not know how much more I can take.” He replied.

My heart sank. His pain became mine too. His eyes said it all. Years of watching me, being there for me and holding me were taking its toll on him. It pained him to go through this, to see me go though it. All I wanted was to be a mother. How much more could I endure? How much more could we endure?
“So what should we do?” I said.

“Well… lets go practice.” He answered with a smirk and a one shoulder shrug.

…and that is just what we did!

Note:We now have two beautiful girls ages 6 and 4.

This Post was inspired bythis weeks Just.Be.Enough theme:
I am writing, posting and linking up to share my voice.
I am doing my part to carry the weight of
confidence and empowerment.
I am sharing the mission of empower and inspire
to remind women, parents and children
that the time has come to celebrate
themselvesourselvesmyself!
It’s your turn now…
*Next Weeks Theme:
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I Relaxed!! No I Relaxed!!… It’s All in the Perspective

The garage door motor grinds as it opens.  The clock tells me it is my husband coming home from work.  Sitting at the kitchen table clicking away on the keyboard of my lap top I briefly consider that I probably should get off my a** and start dinner.  It is after all a swimming lesson night and that means less time to make dinner and eat it.  The girls are sprawled out on the couch, arms dangling off the side, eyes glazed over, still in their PJs.  The door opens and my husband’s “ I’m so happy to be home and see all my girls, I’ve missed you face” turns to a scowl of anger.

I had done NOTHING ALL DAY!!!!  WE had done NOTHING ALL DAY!

Sunday afternoon we arrived home from a weekend of camping.  It was Francine and Olivia’s first camping experience.  My dad was so happy and so excited to introduce another generation of our family to camping and to Point Beach State Park (our most favorite camping place… lost of family history. More to come on that later).  The girls had a wonderful weekend full of new experiences, adventure and unplugged family time.  It was wonderful.  I WAS EXHAUSTED… drag me to the door, take me out of the oven, sucked the life out of me… DONE!
The hubs had not gone camping with us.  It just isn’t his thing (although we are working on him).  While I am sooo happy that the girls had a fantastic time, I did not get a break.  Being four and five years old they still are not completely independent.  Camping with them (though my fantastic, fabulous, kiss your feet sister and her hubs were with us and helped a lot) means: we go to the bathroom together, we shower together, we slept on the same blow up matress together, we sat by the fire together, we read together (they can’t just sit around the fire and read… they can’t read), we played board games together.  It was 24/7 me and Francine and Olivia!

I WAS EXHAUSTED!!!

My husband was furious.  Furious that nothing was put away from our trip.  Furious that the kitchen he had cleaned while we were gone was messy again.  Furious that dinner was not made.  Furious that I had done NOTHING!!!  In between the whirl wind of trying to get my a** in gear, trying to make dinner before swimming (did not happen… another thing for him to be furious about) and getting girls ready for swimming I tried to defend myself and explain that I just needed a day to do nothing.  I’M EXHAUSTED.
“You had the entire weekend to yourself.”, I said.
Daggers came shooting from his eyes.
“I don’t consider a whole weekend by myself fun!”
“Sh*t I would.  I would pay for that”, I think.
“Are you mad because we just got back from a vacation and I did nothing today?” I say to him.
Walking up the stairs he turns, looks at me and gives me the smile, head nod, shoulder shrug that means, “ Well yeah!”
While he thought I was on vacation, spending time with family, sitting around the camp fire and doing hardly anything, relaxing … I thought he was sitting at home doing nothing, spending time alone in a quiet house, doing, eating, watching whatever he wanted, relaxing all by himself.

Perspective is such an interesting thing.

                                                                                             
“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” 
                                                                                John Lubbock
“Come here.”

“Why?”

“Put your coat on.”

“Why?”

“Come downstairs.”

“Why?”

“Eat that piece of cake.”

“Why?”

“Why?” is the token phrase for my Olivia this week.  I joke that I could tell her, “We are going to Disney!” and she would respond, “Why?”.  We work so hard to teach our children our morals, our standards and manners.  Our children take us through phases and call us to task.  They ensure that we will keep them safe with rules and boundries. We glow in our success when they show us what they have learned.  They are certain to remind us,  just when we are sure that they finally get it, that they will always test us. “Why?”

She continues to test our rules, our standards and our follow through.  Soon this phase too will pass.  I remind myself.  “Why?”  If it doesn’t life will continue to be rough.
“Get your shoes on.”

“Why?”

“Get dressed for ballet.”

“Why?”

“Let’s go see a movie.”

“Why?”

“I love you”

“Why?”

It is just what I do sweetie no matter how crazy you make me!

This too will pass, right?

Just training for when she is a teenager, right?

It will get easier, right?