Our two-person table was right next to the window. Exactly the same table we sat at last time we were here. A purple t-shirt hung framed on the wall above us. Printed on us was “Help Clare Fight Prostate Cancer 2012”. A waitress walked by us wearing purple tie-dyed, knee high, athletic socks and the same purple t-shirt. The Cubs game played on televisions as gray haired regulars around us ordered their weekly fried fish.
I waited all month day to see her. Finally we were sitting down at our favorite dive restaurant for our sister’s night. Drinks were ordered. We just needed to decide on what to eat.
I needed to decide if I was going to ask her.
“What do you have a taste for?” she asked.
“I have to have the Southwest Egg rolls. I’ve had a taste for them all week!” I smiled.
“Ok,” she replies. “I think I’ll have the nachos then.”
“OOOOOO that sounds great! That means we can share.”
We talked and talked. We had so much to catch up on. We talked about her job, my kids, my job, friends and life in general. No matter how long it has been we never seem to miss a beat.
I had waited so long to ask.
Throughout my sisters 7 year marriage I had never asked her. The miscarriages I had before we had children left me fully aware of the pain that comes with wanting children and not being able to have them. The scar it left on my heart and the emotional memories it engrained in me were reminders of what not to ask or say.
I waited for the right moment.
Seven years of memories and moments, time spent together, carefully listening for hints of what I wanted to hear and I was still left me needing to know. I wanted to be respectful of her journey. I needed to know if she was suffering or if her heart was in pain.
It was now or never.
I took a deep breath and hoped my words came out the right way.
“I have never asked because I am sure that you get asked a lot. I just want to see how you are doing. So, Are you and Brad thinking of having kids?” I hoped that my words were sensitive and not too direct.
She smiled at me and looked down.
She took a breath and looked at me with a forced smile, “We are trying but it hasn’t been long enough to be worried or get help.”
“Oh,” I replied.
“I hope you don’t mind that I asked.”
She politely smiled and said, “No its ok.”
I sat and listened as she shared with me. My eyes focused on just her. I didn’t want to miss any of her words and needed to connect with how she was feeling. My heart became heavy and suddenly I was overwhelmed with sadness. I felt the tears start to well in my eyes. I kept listening.
In between the Southwest Egg Rolls I savored, laughing until I cried, drinks, long talks and hours of fun spent with my sister I had asked the question. I asked a question I was afraid to ask and in return I realized something. I didn’t really want to know the answer to my question (ok, I wanted to know a little bit). I desperately wanted her to know, to remind her, that I was here for her for anything, whenever and if ever she needed me.
