I Have a Complaint • Heck Awesome

Dear Head Ninja in Charge,

Last month, I interacted with Leila. She delivered her usual quick wit, sass, did something silly, odd, strange or not normal thing and posted it on Facebook. I commented on it calling her a dork.

I found the interaction that followed unacceptable and damaging. The usual confident exterior, sarcastic, sailor mouth and quick wit sprinkled with a humble and thoughtful Don’t Speak Whinese failed to perform what it promised because Leila is a smart ass. I am disappointed. Leila has forever destroyed my use of the word dork as a sassy response to Leila’s and any other friends insane, silly, dumb, thoughtless, laughable actions. Additionally, she has forever stole my perfect kind version of your a dumb-ass word. He smart ass act has also caused permanent scaring to my brain. The very thought of the word dork sends pictures to my brain of a whales…. ak! No! Bad! (Leila so kindly educated me on the fact that one definition word dork is: blue whales penis). My precious word is forever tainted and damaged.

To resolve the problem, I feel very strongly that Don’t Speak Whinese ninjas should supply me with a new replacement word to describe the things that Leila and others like her do. A new polite word I can use to comment with when others engage in foolish, absurd, moronic and senseless acts.

I look forward to your speedy reply and a resolution to my problem. I am certain that you will resolve this matter and I will not be forced to contact the Better Smart Ass Agency or only be left with sighing and rolling my eyes as a response to Leila’s Facebook status updates.